Category: Life

I Cleaned My House Today…

Screen Shot 2015-04-29 at 9.37.09 AMI cleaned my house today. From corner to corner, ceiling to floor, I evicted the comfortable dust bunnies, erie cobwebs, and distant memories.

I cried today. I mourned each day I lost spiraling downward as the bunnies moved in. I cried every tear I had already felt and added four thousand more. I sat, once again, on the bathroom floor and wept irrationally like so many nights before. With knees hugged tightly to my chest, I just let myself weep.

I picked myself up today, up off that floor which displayed so clearly the neglect I’ve shown in my life. The rugs so caked with dirt and mire were finally hung out in the sun to gain new life.

Each messy cupboard, each closet begging for some attention, each misconstrued pile of mail I never opened was attended to. Trash bags were filled. Piles of laundry were sorted. The 6 month old eggs were tossed. Pictures were stored away.

I cleaned my house today. I say this with extreme victory in my voice. You see, I never thought I’d find myself struggling to stay afloat, too exhausted to sort the mail, too broken to plug in the vacuum. But that is where I am. Each day is a silent (or not so silent) battle to reclaim all that I allowed myself to lose. Each day is a reminder I am stronger than I thought I was, more determined, more vulnerable, more authentic. Each day, although a battle, is an obnoxious gift begging to be claimed and embraced.

Today I say this with all the joy, authenticity, vulnerability, honesty I have within me:

I cleaned my house today, tears in my eyes, sun shining in, birds singing new songs, and finally knowing there is hope on the horizon. It’s funny to think the first light I’d glimpse at the end of this tunnel would be me in worn out jeans, shaking out rugs on the patio, and releasing my excuses just like I released the adorable dust bunnies back into the wild.

Conviction Delivered via Gmail

Never has someone spoken into my stupidity as clearly as this moment right here.

_______

What do I think you’re not saying?  You want to play this game??

Well, we’ve established that you have certain goals you’re not willing to disclose.  I can only assume that the reason you don’t want to talk about these goals (or, shall we say visions for the future) is accountability – yeah, I went there.  As soon as you say it out loud, it becomes a real thing.  As soon as someone else knows about it, you’re accountable for it.  I would be able to ask you “hey, what about [this]?  Why aren’t you working on it?”  Is it because you are afraid to fail?  Is it because you are afraid to let people know that you want what you don’t think you can have? (more…)

I’m Getting Baptized Today…

… which is long overdue. Jesus and I have been walking through my life together for the last 18+ years and I’m ready to make my public declaration that I am His, but I have to get something off my chest first.

My heart is like the Liberty Bell: Cracked.

For over a decade I had a wonderful best friend. He was funny, talented, and fun. He was the person I ran to when life got rough, or I needed a trip to white castle (notice the intentional lack of capitalization) in the middle of the night. He was the inventor of “deep fry everything nights” and the person who helped cultivate my love for track jackets. Whether either of us wanted it to happen or not, he became a huge part of the puzzle that is Laura. He is a part of my foundation. But crap happened and life changed. Now we’re just somebody we used to know.

(more…)

I Have Nothing Good to Say

Creative Commons – Dueck

Hi, I’m Laura Livingood, and I have nothing good to say. A few years ago I began laying a wall, brick-by-brick, that blocked people from ever getting to see me. Like Rapunzel in her tower, my fortress of brick and mortar has kept many a kindly prince, dangerous vagabond, and weary traveler from ever catching a glimpse of my brown-hair, blue-eyed existence. Those that can decipher the magic code to gain access to my viewing chamber are privie to only a shade of the girl I am, and honestly, as much as it worked for me in the past, I’m exhausted. (more…)

What About Risk?

Is it worth the risk

What makes one fearless? What makes a person be able to stand up against adversity, and claim justice without worrying about the risk? What makes anything worth the risk?

I’ve often heard the risk is worth the reward, but what if there is no reward to claim? What if unlike Murphy’s law there is no equal or opposite reaction to what you choose to do? (more…)