Today I have a choice. I can be upset and stomp my feet, act like I’m 7 years old and say horrible things about what I’m angry about OR I can be an adult, be gracious, forgiving, open, honest, and willing to know that God has a plan and I just need to chill.
Today was a pretty good Tuesday. In fact, a REALLY decent one. I enjoyed laughing with my co-workers, had a fantastic interview for a job I would love to do, and shopped at H&M. All in all… pretty great… Until my dear sweet iPhone delivered an e-mail I knew was coming… but didn’t want to read.
My time working at the church I grew up at is coming to an end. Please note, this is not a blindside. It was actually supposed to happen about 2 months ago. I am not shocked. I am ready, but that doesn’t make it so that I am not sad.
When I decided it was time to live a better story, I quit a great job, left some of the best friends I’ve ever had, and completely changed my life. There is no regret associated with this choice, just a little bit of loneliness.
I’ve been asking God to give me people that support me. Easy request right? Well, yeh, it was. He provided a whole squad of people that have known me most of my life that remembered to encourage me when it seemed like no one else was. In hindsight, it’s been pretty amazing.
Alright, back to Tuesday. I read this e-mail, replied, sighed and thought I had let it go, accepted it, and put my trust in God. That was, until I started trying to transfer my files between 2 laptops. I couldn’t do it! Wait, what? I’m not an idiot, I’ve done this a dozen times before… what in the world?
That’s when the tears/anger/frustration/heartbreak happened. I’m convinced only crazy people cry over not being able to link two laptops via firewire cable. There had to be something more there. It hit me. I was mourning the loss of this odd, little God-given support system. I was getting ready to walk out into the cold world again. Phew, I’m glad I figured that out, because I was ready to find a padded room.
Ok, let’s play a game? Ready? Did I stay mad/crying/bitter or did I get over it?
Do you think you’ve figured me out?
Well, I did a little bit of both. I had a meltdown, complained about how all of my computer cables that work are in a d**m box in the garage, and how my whole life was falling apart, how broke I am, and how much I hate people… THEN I started counting my blessings.
Yes, I am hurt, deeply, that I was not the right choice for this position in a place that I hold so dear to my heart, but how amazing is it to consider the fact that a new person will be able to get embraced by this amazing community? REALLY! I am beyond excited for the person taking my job to meet these people, fall in love with them and allow them to nurture his soul. Pretty darn cool, in my opinion.
I do want to reiterate that I am rarely this positive in the moment of anger/frustration. I am an impulsive, heart-before-head thinker and I usually say terrible things before I get to the good part. I think where the choice comes in is when the smoke blowing out of your ears fades a little.
I always have a choice. I have a choice about where my life goes, how I react to things out of my control, and when I keep a smile on my face. I have a choice of what to say, what to do, and who to keep or cut out of my life. I have a choice of MY actions. I am not a victim. I am a dreamer with the control to be who I want to be.
Do I often react in ways that I shouldn’t? Ummm, YES! Don’t we all? I think the power of choice is found in how we react when the smoke clears and if we are able to force a smile on our face, grind through the tough stuff and know that few things are permanent. Life is a journey, story, adventure…if there were no conflict, no swear words, no moments of anger or sadness, I honestly believe MY story wouldn’t be very good.