… which is long overdue. Jesus and I have been walking through my life together for the last 18+ years and I’m ready to make my public declaration that I am His, but I have to get something off my chest first.
My heart is like the Liberty Bell: Cracked.
For over a decade I had a wonderful best friend. He was funny, talented, and fun. He was the person I ran to when life got rough, or I needed a trip to white castle (notice the intentional lack of capitalization) in the middle of the night. He was the inventor of “deep fry everything nights” and the person who helped cultivate my love for track jackets. Whether either of us wanted it to happen or not, he became a huge part of the puzzle that is Laura. He is a part of my foundation. But crap happened and life changed. Now we’re just somebody we used to know.
I’ve spent too long mourning what I don’t have.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve almost picked up my phone and dialed speed-dial #6 to call him and then quickly come to my senses. The truth is, I just can’t accept why things ended the way they did or the fact that I’ll never be able to fix it. It’s broken. Permanently. The dream of sitting on a porch in rocking chairs, with our spouses at our sides, laughing about the good ‘ol times will never become a reality. Even as I write this, it just makes me sad. But holding onto the best-laid-plans of a younger version of myself isn’t helping anyone.
Today, I take a step forward, trusting that God really is at work in my life.
The bitterness I’ve been holding onto for the last 2 years is ending today. Oh, and the sadness is going away right along with it. I’ve been so mad for so long, blaming God for taking away parts of my foundation, but it’s time to stop. Today as I get baptized I am going to let go of how mad I’ve been, all the hurt I’ve been storing, and those foundation pieces in my life that need to be replaced. Am I saying that I’ll wake up tomorrow all fixed and healed? No, but I am saying that I’m done longing for a past that can never be a reality, and trust that God is working in places I can’t even see. It’s time to give God all or nothing, and today I’m choosing all.