What makes one fearless? What makes a person be able to stand up against adversity, and claim justice without worrying about the risk? What makes anything worth the risk?
I’ve often heard the risk is worth the reward, but what if there is no reward to claim? What if unlike Murphy’s law there is no equal or opposite reaction to what you choose to do?
What if by risking, you lose it all?
I am not a risk taker. Yes, I will jump off a cliff, or walk across a scary bridge, but when it comes to my day-to-day life, I am not a risk taker. If I like a gentleman, I will never tell him. I don’t want to lose our “friendship”. If I am wronged at work, I am more likely to just take it, and hold my anger and hurt inside than risk an awkward situation amid co-workers. Even the way I dress is risk free. I just recently mixed polka dots and stripes for the first time and felt awkward all day. I don’t take risks.
A good friend of mine once said, “Laura, you really worry about what people think of you.” At the time, I was so offended, but in hindsight, she was/is right. As a non-risk taker, I spend ridiculous amounts of time listing pros and cons, trying not to let people down, or trying not to make a fool of myself. As I am now on the cusp of starting a new job, I can honestly say I’ve spent about 6 or more hours pondering my first day at work: what I’ll wear, say, how I’ll sit, all in an effort for people to see me as likable, put together, and normal.
My ultimate risk is letting people really see me, know me, be with me.
I am like the fortress of Jericho. My walls are 30 feet thick, and 200 feet high. I built them so I would never have to risk someone getting to know me, and then not liking me. (Disclaimer: There are people I’ve let into my life that truly know me. I am not a disaster. I am not lonely, I am not going to jump off a cliff. Thanks)
One of my favorite quotes: “If I let you know me, like REALLY know me, I’m not sure you’d like me very much.” I am broken, flawed, inconsiderate, mean, and confused. I am afraid, nervous, socially awkward, brave, and driven. I am passionate, honest, kind, and ridiculous. I am hidden.
I am not a risk taker when it comes to tearing down my wall. What’s your risk you’re afraid to take?